rome and ROLL!

Why should I?

Why should I take my life to somewhere that is more difficult? Why should I choose to be in that field where I will be crunching my brain for things that I know I can’t cope up? Why should I?

I really want to get in to a law school. I don’t care for what university I should be, but my hunger to be a licensed law professional will complete me. I incorporated every frustration, heartbreaks, failures in life to get that spot in the list of top-notchers. I really don’t know why.

I may be just saying this now, the urge of being recognized and welcomed is there. But, I want to conquer myself to the furthest limit. I find a lot of things that can make me breathe easier when I finally got that number 1 spot.

I know, I am not that kind of guy who is striving to wear a swag. I am not the guy who’s saving money for a girl I love. Who am I? I heard and read about soul searching stories, and found it so corny and immature to be in that mental state. But I did find myself needing it. I need to realize things deeper. Things that I never thought could make me bigger than ever.

When I was younger, I saw things in a very stupid way. That if I will study less and live life to it’s limit day by day, I will be happier a day more in my whole life. Yes, it is a practical way to utilize a single day. I took little things for granted; studying, saving up, and being serious on what I love. Yes, I really thought back in those days that all important day to be happy is today, not tomorrow or the next day. I saw that it should be my life from then on. And I have a little regret about it.

When the storm started to wreck my life, I can’t see any relevance of what I set in my mind can break away with this thing. It never crossed my mind. I really don’t know what to do in this vast unluckiness I am placed at. Yet, I can’t cry. I found no one to be with. Nobody in this world will be there for you in your deep struggle. I really hate life at that very moment. And quite hate the God I’ve been praying for. The God whom I ask everything and gave me nothing. But God helped me in a way that It is hard to interpret. I realize. Maybe that is all I need. I need to realize things in a different way.

I may fail to love someone who is dearest to me. I may fail to be in school again for what my sin had took it’s effect on me. I may fall on the strangest place in my mind where I can’t think of a single thing. I got crazy. I got this urge to quit life. I found no single road to take and hope to be gone instantly. The load and pressure of this burden in my shoulders are really degrading and hurting my pride. Then, God, made me realize, I really fall on that hard cold floor called reality. I’ve been up to a high state of pride and luck where I have no way but to go down. That’s why I can’t see a single road to take. But to go up.

Going up is impossible. Yes, I wanted to be realistic. I really can’t make it. This hurdle that I can’t pass blocked me to where I wanted to go.

I am not inspired. I am not motivated. Nothing drives me to do a single thing. Every day, my emotions are consuming my dearest happiness. 

Finally, I came up again in my second realization. I need to go. I need to go up. I need to get myself contained for 1 goal. 1 single goal that may take my life in full u-turn. I need to back on people who made me feel like I am a worthless and unwanted man. I really need to get that honor.

Yes, Impossibility is there. But I don’t need to look down when I am going up. I will fear to fall if I do. I should not look back again on where I am left. I want to leave this situation where no one want’s to bring me out. I will find my own way to get that attention again. 

My frustrations. It is the fuel of what I wanted to be right now. I am frustrated. My madness is empowering my will to survive. I really need to work for this.

I want to be a lawyer. A top notch lawyer. A lawyer that will be popular for intelligence, smartness, and sharpness in decisions. I want to be a man of my word. I don’t want to brag about this thing any more. I don’t want it. I need it. It will be the purpose of my life. Not even in my dream and will never be.

Why should I? Stupid reasons are followed. Why should I? I should so I will have a life that can make me live extravagantly. Why should I? I should so I can make those women be proud of me. I don’t want them back. I want them to regret what they have done to me. I want them to see me and realize that things are too late to be undone. I never aim for that revenge but I hope they will feel that it is hurtful to see me on my way. I want to change many things. I wanted to be a man of respect than to be a guy who will sit with you, have a beer and talk about marriage and similar stuff. I want to be with people I can talk boundless of ideas and craziness I could generate in my colorful mind. I wanted to be someone you can be proud of. I should be remembered. That is what I need.

Nevertheless, I should stay the same guy my friends used to approach. I don’t want them to be intimidated. I want the guys who made me feel intimidated to be the one who’ll be intimidated when that time comes. I don’t want to talk to each other’s salary. But I want to talk about how happy our times was.

The core reason is for her to run back to me. Yes, another crazy love thing. I will never felt this kind of rejection and frustration without her. She might treated me trash, but it made me look like it. I look like a trash. I don’t want to be recycled. I am burned. I melted. Pressure was there. And I will be a diamond. Sounds gay, but that is what I prefer. I just want her back. I just want her to live with a man that is better than me. And it should be the future me. I wrote this to remind myself how little I am at this very moment. That I am writing my dream. A dream that I should work out to be reality. There is a lot of time. I don’t want to haste. Things will come in their own way. 

Why should I be a lawyer? I want to be a judge. I want to be exemplary in my field. I will never stop. I will stay foolish. May god take me to somewhere I will pass to be a better man one day. I should be an inspiration. I should be loved.